The Blame Game

As a relationship coach I constantly hear woman complaining about him not doing this or not doing that. Very rarely do I have a woman meet with me and start the conversation telling me how she messed up and how she should do more of this and less of that. The reason is that it is always easier to blame someone else rather than look at ourselves. I can almost guarantee you that most relationship issues are not 100% one person’s fault. Now there are the few cases when that is true, but for the most part each has played a part in the problem. In relationships blaming can cause permanent damage.

If we are honest and take the time to look at most problems or challenges in a relationship we will be able to identify something we could have done or said better that could have helped to resolve the issue. A typical scenario that I encounter is when the husband has done something that did not please the wife and she does one of two things. Rather than talk about how what he did made her feel she begins to remind him of ALL the times that he has anything wrong or she decides she doesn’t want to talk about it and she then is going to make him “pay”. Ladies one of the worst things you can do is hold back the “cookies” as a form of discipline. For one your man is not a dog and the act of being intimate should not be used as a treat to get him to do what you want. Secondly, let’s be honest when you hold out you are depriving yourself as well. There are times when you may have to agree to disagree and then there are times when you have to weigh how important the issue really is. Is it going to kill you or destroy your relationship if he forgot to put gas in your car when he drove it? Or is it really worth your peace at home to fuss and argue about him not coming straight home from work after you had a very “heated discussion” earlier in the day?

I can see how in the first example by simply giving clear instructions could have eliminated the problem. Had she told that she needed him to make sure there was a half tank of gas for her when he brought the car back, he probably would have made sure to do this. Now I know you are saying why should I have to tell him this, he should no. Well it’s apparent that he didn’t know or he would have done it. Failing to clearly communicate is one of the ways most women contribute to issues in the relationships. Women tend to think men think like us but they don’t. It doesn’t make us better just different and if you remember this one thing it will save you many headaches. The second example is a clear example of how important it is to properly handle your emotions. In this situation his not coming straight home was a response to the “heated discussion”. No matter how valid an argument you may have it goes out the window when you allow your emotions to cause you to yell, scream, raise your voice, or whatever constitutes a “heated discussion”. The original issue gets lost in the emotions and now the issue is how you disrespected each other by talking to each other in this manner. Someone has to be the big girl or big boy and call for a “time out” when the discussion starts to get heated. Table the issue until you both have calmed down and can talk to each other in a respectable manner. You can choose to spend your time blaming your mate or you can use your power to set the tone for your relationship. If you create a warm and inviting environment your mate will be more likely to give you what you want – and at the end of the day that is all we really want. So rather than blame try to change your response even when they are wrong and see if the outcome changes. You may be pleasantly surprised.

The “PERFECT” Marriage

I thought that title would catch your attention.

Unfortunately I am not going to give you the tricks to make your marriage perfect, or show you how to turn your mate into the perfect mate.  The truth is NO marriage is perfect.  When you bring two people who were raised in different households, have had different life experiences, have different personalities, and even different viewpoints there are bound to be conflicts.  The word perfect is defined as something that cannot be improved.  All marriages have room for improvement even the best of marriages.  Personally I have experienced many ups and downs in my marriages, yes I said marriages.  It has taken me three (3) times to finally get it right.  The first two were when I was young and immature and had no idea that you had to work to make a marriage work.  I was like many who believe you get married and then life is perfect.  Sadly it took my getting hurt and hurting my former mates in order for me to learn the valuable lesson that anything worth having requires not only commitment but a willingness to compromise and work through the tough times.

I will say that I believe that my husband and I have the best marriage, and that is because we do the work to have the best marriage we possibly can.  We are best friends and even though we have and continue to have our challenges in life we are both committed to work through them.  We have had gone through some things that others may have caused others to throw in the towel, but we made the choice to work through them.  I’m not perfect and neither is he, but we have accepted each other flaws and we are both committed to bettering ourselves.

Marriage is what you make of it, it can be the closest thing to hell on earth if you are not willing to compromise and want your way all the time or it can be the most beautiful thing on this this earth if you are with a person who you truly adore, respect, and love. It amazes me that after over 15 years he still can make me blush with a simple wink and I adore the ground he walks on.  He may not be much to anyone else but he is “THE MAN” to me and that level of adoration transfers to all areas of our relationship.  If you are married and things are a little rough right now, whether you’re facing financial challenges or a difference of opinions on an issue – take a step back and remind yourself of the reasons why you married the person sitting across from you.  Love is a choice and if you choose to love then you are always looking for ways to not only improve yourself but to improve your relationship.

Choose to love and always be willing to grow and your relationship will develop into the “perfect” marriage for you and your mate.

 

From a boy to a man

From a boy to a man- breaking generational curses

                     

I have witnessed it for myself and in the life of those around me. Experts will tell you that we are all products of our environment and many of the negative traits and habits that we develop are the result of the environment that we grow up in or live in. This is true in the developmental stages of a child’s life but it does not have to be who they become as adults. Whether you are raised in a two parent home with an abusive parent, a single parent home with a parent who is emotionally disconnected or in a home with two loving parents there comes a time when we all make a choice on what our future will hold.

It should be the goal of every generation to do better than the last, whether that means to achieve a higher education level; have more successful relationships; or develop healthier habits to pass on to the next generation. It is human nature to want more and to be better. Unfortunately in some cultures the opposite is the norm and there is a lack of desire to grow and achieve. There is a sense of belief that things are fine the way they are no matter how dysfunctional or unhealthy it may be and they have accepted their current state as all there is in life.

I am a firm believer that if you want something different you have to do something different. You can’t simply think about or fantasize about what you want you have to put in the work to make it happen. My son-in-law has proven that no matter where you come from and no matter what you have done in the past you can change the course of your life for the better. He did not have the “perfect” childhood nor was he the “perfect” child. But as an adult he made a series of choices to change the course of his life for the better, he chose to have healthy and functional relationships, he chose to honor his commitments, and he choose to better himself so that he could better not only himself and those closest to him but also his community.

As we are approaching Father’s Day I wanted to publicly acknowledge my son-in-law, Gary Williams not only for being a father but for being a great man. In my opinion he is the epitome of what a man should be.

To My son-in-law Gary Williams
Happy Father’s “Men’s” Day

Our family is blessed to have such an example of strength and courage in our midst. You are respected among your peers and you have a quiet strength that commands respect. You are loving and kind to others and you show respect and honor to women. You have a heart that is pure and your desire to help others is what drives you in life.
You are a great husband to my daughter and a loving and caring father to my grand-daughters.

Balancing Act

I was recently talking to a friend and she shared how her spouse had gotten so caught up in his job that he had lost sight of the things that were most important, meaning his family. See her husband was a great guy, he cared about people and he was great at what he did.  He took his work very seriously and he always gave it 110%. The problem was that he had been putting so much of his time and energy into his work that he had little if anything left for his family.  His idea of being a great husband and father was being a great provider so when he had the opportunity to earn an excellent salary he took it with no hesitation.

Now in the beginning she was all for it and supported him fully but she had no idea what it would cost in the end. Over a period of years they grew distant as he spent countless hours away from home working and she was left to herself to raise the kids and manage the home. The benefits were great, they lived in a beautiful home, she had a nearly new car, the kids never went without, but she missed her husband.  He was so busy earning a living that they no longer did the things they used to do in order to stay connected.  She realized that not only was the intimacy gone from their relationship but there was a distance between them.  It was as if they were strangers in their own home.  He would come home late from work and was so exhausted that he didn’t want to hear about her day or what was going on at home. They used to hang out together on the weekends but now he was running to the office or sitting in the basement watching TV with no interest in being disturbed.  She knew he loved her, but she wondered where the man she married had gone.  Once they were friends and enjoyed each other’s company and now it seemed they simply existed.

In relationships we have to be honest about what is important to us and make choices so that we don’t lose sight of those things. You may think it is important to have financial security but is it worth your children growing up without the daily involvement of you or their father. Maybe it is important to you to have your kids involved in sports, but is it worth them running to and from various activities afterschool and on the weekends but not having the time to spend with family. Sometimes we have to be willing to make adjustments to our ideas of what is important in order to make room for everything that is important.  It’s not worth putting all your energy into one thing if it is going to cost you in another area when it comes to your family.

There are two sides to every coin and in a relationship you have to balance both sides. You have to be honest with yourself and decide what is really important.  You put the most energy and time into the things that are most important. You have to determine if chasing a career and being financially well are more important than reading a bedtime story to your kids at night or taking your spouse on a date once a week. If the thing you are chasing is taking you away from your family then you may be living out of balance.  It is possible to have it all if you live a balanced life. There are plenty of people who are financially well off who have great relationships just as there are those who live a simple life and are disconnected from their family.  The issue is not money but it is making the things that matter a priority and learning to balance it all so that no one, especially your family doesn’t get the short end of the stick.