Holiday season ahead

Have you ever started your day off on a good note and before you knew it there was this dark cloud looming over you.  For a person who suffers from depression this can occur daily, weekly, monthly or even seasonally.  As we approach the holiday season and most people are running around shopping and planning for the festivities there are others who can’t wait for the festivities to be over  due to anxiety or depression.

The holiday season is one of those seasons that can be a trigger for those dealing with depression. As families are coming together it can serve as a source for anxiety and depression.  The constant barrage of happy people in commercials and stores, along with the overly polite and joyous co-workers can serve as a catalyst which causes individuals to reevaluate their relationships and life. For a person who is unhappy with their current or past relationships or current station in life this reevaluation in the midst of all these happy people can lead to depression. The pressure to buy bigger and better gifts for everyone on your holiday list can lead to anxiety for those who may not have the financial means to meet everyone’s expectations.

The natural inclination when you are feeling depressed is to isolate yourself. This is also the most dangerous thing a person dealing with depression can do, especially during the holiday season.  If you are struggling with depression over the holiday season there are a few things that you can do to help you not only survive this season but to also find some enjoyment over the next couple of months.

1. Get outside, on those days when it is sunny even if it is a little brisk get out and take in some sunshine.  Exposure to light can significantly improve your mood.
2. Exercise, whether you are doing yoga or walking it is important to get at least 15 minutes of exercise a day. It will give you a positive mood and reduce depression as your body releases endorphins.
3. Don’t overeat or overdrink. Many tend to do both during the holidays but the after effects of both can lead to feelings of lethargy and regret which can cause you to withdraw from activities.
4. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. Whether it is one close friend, a counselor, or a support group, make an intentional effort to get the emotional support you need during this season.  REMEMBER people who don’t know what you are going through can’t help you.
5. Set realistic expectations for yourself during this holiday season.  Don’t try to keep up with the Jones’s. If you don’t have the finances to buy all your nieces and nephews Air Jordan’s but you are crafty bake them some homemade cookies, or not.
6. Enjoy time with family and friends. Take advantage of the time to reconnect or simply hang out. This season practice being thankful for the people you do have in your life rather than focusing on what you don’t have. You may be surprised to learn that most people simply want to spend time during the holidays.

Knowing the signs of depression is key in order to get help for yourself or for a loved one.  One of the most disheartening things I have heard from others suffering from depression is that those closest to them didn’t know that they were suffering from depression.  It is not always easy to share with others when you are feeling depressed and to get them to truly understand when it is more than having a low day. Here are signs to watch for to determine if you or a loved one may be suffering from depression.  Depressed mood, decreased interest or pleasure, significant weight change, change in sleep pattern, fatigue, loss of mental focus, feelings of worthlessness, and/or agitation/restlessness. If you or your loved one is suffering from five or more of these signs or is experiencing thoughts of harming themselves or others contact a medical professional immediately.

Family members need to know how to identify the signs and be available to support their loved ones.  I have been blessed to have a supportive family who know the signs of depression and recognize my triggers as well.  It is because of the support of my family that I have been able to learn to manage my depression and live a happy and productive life.  #DepressionIsREAL but it is manageable and you can not only survive with it but you can thrive.

Learn about my journey through a life of depression in my latest book “The Journey From Rejection to Significance” available on Amazon.com.

Happy Mother’s Day

As I ran my errands this week I could not help but notice the rush on the mall, local drug stores, and cards stores as the last minute shoppers searched for the perfect gift for Mom on this hallowed day.  I have to admit that I have been guilty of waiting until the last minute myself but this year is different for me.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to live less than five minutes away from my parents and to be able to spend time with them almost daily.  When I was younger I can remember waiting for the day that I could get as far away from them as possible so that I could be free.

With age comes wisdom and an appreciation for my mother that I have to be honest that I lacked most of my life.  I took for granted that she would always be there and that no matter what I did or where I was that she would always be my mother.  As I have gotten older I have matured and my relationship with my mother has matured as well. For the first time in my life I can say that I have a solid relationship with my mom. She is my confidant, she is my friend, and as I have gotten to know her I realize that she is a pretty cool lady.

I have been blessed to have a great relationship with my children and have been able to develop a level of friendship with them in their adulthood.  It is encouraging to now share that same type of relationship with my mom.  As a mom I realize that no gift found on a shelf in any store will ever mean more to me than having a loving relationship with my children.

Take some time this weekend to spend some quality time with your mother, whether it is in person or via skype, tell her that you love and appreciate her. Honor her today and everyday for the many sacrifices she has made for you. Mother’s Day may be celebrated nationally on one day, but we should honor and cherish the woman who gave us life everyday.

Go ahead and give her the flowers, chocolates, and gifts you have for her but take a moment to simply tell her you love her and watch her glow with pride in the knowledge that she did okay as your Mom. 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day from Constant Relationship Coaching

Happy Mother’s Day

As I ran my errands this week I could not help but notice the rush on the mall, local drug stores, and cards stores as the last minute shoppers searched for the perfect gift for Mom on this hallowed day.  I have to admit that I have been guilty of waiting until the last minute myself but this year is different for me.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to live less than five minutes away from my parents and to be able to spend time with them almost daily.  When I was younger I can remember waiting for the day that I could get as far away from them as possible so that I could be free.

With age comes wisdom and an appreciation for my mother that I have to be honest that I lacked most of my life.  I took for granted that she would always be there and that no matter what I did or where I was that she would always be my mother.  As I have gotten older I have matured and my relationship with my mother has matured as well. For the first time in my life I can say that I have a solid relationship with my mom. She is my confidant, she is my friend, and as I have gotten to know her I realize that she is a pretty cool lady.

I have been blessed to have a great relationship with my children and have been able to develop a level of friendship with them in their adulthood.  It is encouraging to now share that same type of relationship with my mom.  As a mom I realize that no gift found on a shelf in any store will ever mean more to me than having a loving relationship with my children.

Take some time this weekend to spend some quality time with your mother, whether it is in person or via skype, tell her that you love and appreciate her. Honor her today and everyday for the many sacrifices she has made for you. Mother’s Day may be celebrated nationally on one day, but we should honor and cherish the woman who gave us life everyday.

Go ahead and give her the flowers, chocolates, and gifts you have for her but take a moment to simply tell her you love her and watch her glow with pride in the knowledge that she did okay as your Mom. 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day from Constant Relationship Coaching

Life’s Rewards

What is it that you really want out of life?

Is it a six figure income with a big house and fancy cars? For many these would be among the first things that come to mind when asked this question. I know it was for me until I had a life changing experience a few years ago. After a series of personal tragedies I woke up one day and realized that what really mattered are my mental, physical, and spiritual health and then my family. No job and no number of possessions could truly make me happy. I have been working a job for over 30 years and in reality I will probably be working in some shape or form for at least another 16 years. I have received accolades from my various employers over the years that merely add up to a bunch of “at a boys”. I have had the opportunity to experience what it is like to have plenty and to barely have enough to make ends meet. The true rewards in life are not fame and riches, and it’s not the things you possess but it is the value of the life that you live. I made a choice to live life. To truly embrace life and to live it to its fullest, my goal in life is no longer to obtain a bigger house or newer car, or even climb the ladder of success.

What do you value in life? Does your life look like what you value or is it just a motto that you tell yourself? If once you evaluate them and find they are out of order do something about it so that you can live a life that will truly bring you peace and pleasure. For me I had to make “ME” my first priority, this included my spiritual, mental, and physical being. For most of my life I had put the needs of everyone and everything before my own needs and I was suffering from a depleted tank. As I began to take care of “ME” I realized that I had more to give to others because I was refreshed.

My second priority is my family; nothing on this earth gives me more pleasure than spending time with the ones I love and being able to be an active participant in their lives.

Third was my vocation, working a job is a necessary evil in order to survive in this world but I made a choice to position myself to do something that gives me a sense of fulfillment rather than just a paycheck. This started with my going back to school to get a degree in an area that will help me walk in my purpose. As Confucius said “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”

There are many rewards in life but only you can choose which ones matter to you. You have been blessed with life so live —  do your best to live your life on purpose, laugh daily on purpose, and love those around you on purpose.

 

A Good Relationship

No one enters into a relationship saying they want it to be just ok. We all enter into relationships expecting them to be wonderful, we expect there to be love, romance, trust, and friendship – perfection. Unfortunately many of us also believe that good relationships just happen. The truth is that good and wonderful relationships are possible but it takes work in order to reach this level of nirvana in your relationship. I have had my share of failed relationships and there was always one thing in common. That one thing was ME. I am not taking total responsibility for my failed relationships in the past, but I realized that if I ever wanted to have a successful relationship I had to acknowledge my faults in those past relationships. I was not perfect, I had many flaws and I had to work on me first before I could reach my goal of having a great relationship. For me it took two failed marriages for me to realize that I had been a participant in the failure of those relationships.

The first step to attaining your dream relationship is working on you and ensuring that you possess the character traits and values that you want in your relationship. If you value integrity and honesty you have to be a person with integrity. You can’t be dishonest or keep secrets from you partner if you want integrity in your relationship. If you want your spouse to respect and honor you, you have practice respecting others and giving honor to those around you. This means learning how to treat others with respect. Relationships required give and take, things will not always go your way, but you have to learn the art of disagreeing peacefully.

Today I am blessed to be married to my best friend, we have had our share of challenges over the course of the past 15 years but we have both been committed to doing the work on ourselves so that we could have not only a good and wonderful relationship but I think it is nearly PERFECT.

The Blame Game

As a relationship coach I constantly hear woman complaining about him not doing this or not doing that. Very rarely do I have a woman meet with me and start the conversation telling me how she messed up and how she should do more of this and less of that. The reason is that it is always easier to blame someone else rather than look at ourselves. I can almost guarantee you that most relationship issues are not 100% one person’s fault. Now there are the few cases when that is true, but for the most part each has played a part in the problem. In relationships blaming can cause permanent damage.

If we are honest and take the time to look at most problems or challenges in a relationship we will be able to identify something we could have done or said better that could have helped to resolve the issue. A typical scenario that I encounter is when the husband has done something that did not please the wife and she does one of two things. Rather than talk about how what he did made her feel she begins to remind him of ALL the times that he has anything wrong or she decides she doesn’t want to talk about it and she then is going to make him “pay”. Ladies one of the worst things you can do is hold back the “cookies” as a form of discipline. For one your man is not a dog and the act of being intimate should not be used as a treat to get him to do what you want. Secondly, let’s be honest when you hold out you are depriving yourself as well. There are times when you may have to agree to disagree and then there are times when you have to weigh how important the issue really is. Is it going to kill you or destroy your relationship if he forgot to put gas in your car when he drove it? Or is it really worth your peace at home to fuss and argue about him not coming straight home from work after you had a very “heated discussion” earlier in the day?

I can see how in the first example by simply giving clear instructions could have eliminated the problem. Had she told that she needed him to make sure there was a half tank of gas for her when he brought the car back, he probably would have made sure to do this. Now I know you are saying why should I have to tell him this, he should no. Well it’s apparent that he didn’t know or he would have done it. Failing to clearly communicate is one of the ways most women contribute to issues in the relationships. Women tend to think men think like us but they don’t. It doesn’t make us better just different and if you remember this one thing it will save you many headaches. The second example is a clear example of how important it is to properly handle your emotions. In this situation his not coming straight home was a response to the “heated discussion”. No matter how valid an argument you may have it goes out the window when you allow your emotions to cause you to yell, scream, raise your voice, or whatever constitutes a “heated discussion”. The original issue gets lost in the emotions and now the issue is how you disrespected each other by talking to each other in this manner. Someone has to be the big girl or big boy and call for a “time out” when the discussion starts to get heated. Table the issue until you both have calmed down and can talk to each other in a respectable manner. You can choose to spend your time blaming your mate or you can use your power to set the tone for your relationship. If you create a warm and inviting environment your mate will be more likely to give you what you want – and at the end of the day that is all we really want. So rather than blame try to change your response even when they are wrong and see if the outcome changes. You may be pleasantly surprised.

The Certainties in Life

There are only a few things that are certain in life. Recently I was having a conversation with some young adults and one of them made the point that the only thing certain in life was death. It got me to thinking whether there is anything else other than death that is certain in life.

Growing old is not a certainty, getting married isn’t either. Having children and a lucrative career are not certainties either. The more thought I gave to it I realized that the one other thing that is certain in life is change. Change is inevitable. The seasons change with no effort on our part. We get older and change from being children to teens to young adults to adults to mature adults. Everything changes, people change, sometimes for good and sometimes the changes aren’t so good. Our desires and taste change as we mature. As long as you live you will experience changes in practically every area of your life.

Change is a sign of progression; if something stays the same it is stagnant. A tree that blooms and never grows from the tiny sprout does not get the opportunity to blossom into its fullness. The same is true for people. We are designed to change, to grow, to evolve into the greatness we are created to be. Whenever you stop growing then you are no longer evolving. Change is a wonderful thing once you learn to embrace it and see that with change comes new opportunities.

The one thing that is certain is life is CHANGE.

 

Best Friends for LIFE

From the time we are little we all desire to have real, true friends. The kind of friend that you can laugh with, cry with, get in trouble with, get mad at and still remain friends.   It took me until I was well into my adult life before I finally developed that type of a relationship.  We all have associates, people we work with or socialize with, but when it really comes down to it we only have a few friends.  My two best girlfriends and I have been through a lot over the past decade.  We were once inseparable and referred to ourselves as the “3 Musketeers”, and then life happened.  I relocated and I never would have guessed that distance would play apart in testing our relationship.  We slowly grew apart due to some different viewpoints on things and for a period of time we even lost contact.  I am ashamed to say that I allowed my own personal problems to cause me to pull away from the only people other than my husband that had been there for me no matter what.  Life is short and when we take those that are truly important for granted we miss out.  I missed the opportunity to be there for my girls when they needed me the most and I missed out on some really special moments.

Real friendships are not something that can be manufactured or forced, they develop over time. The connection you have with someone based on your shared interest or values is only the foundation of a friendship.  When you have a true friend you can share your true feelings about anything and not be fearful of what they will think of you.   A true friend will always want the best for you and will encourage you to be the best you can possibly be.  A true friend will feel your pain when you are going through and will do their best to comfort you.  Friendships are built when you share who you truly are with another person and allow them to see your weakness and all your flaws and they can still accept and love you.  Friends are there for you to cry on their shoulders and they know they can call you in the middle of the night when they need to talk.  Friendships develop over time eating pizza and talking about your dreams and fears. True friendships can withstand the test of time, fallouts, fights, men, or anything else that it thrown at it.  Real friends love unconditionally and are able to forgive each other.

I have been blessed to have two of the most amazing woman in my life who I can truly call my friends.  We all have grown a bit older and wiser and the things we let cut in on our friendship are becoming a distant memory.  If you have a true friend in your life, don’t allow life or anything to cut in on that relationship.  Our lives may have gone on but it is nice to know that we can pick up where we left off and continue to grow closer. My girls are the closest thing I have to sisters and for that I am grateful.  It is truly satisfying to have someone in your life that has seen you at your worst and know that they will be there until the end. I look forward to the day that we are sitting on a beach somewhere when we are much older in rocking chairs reminiscing about the good old days.

Where’s my joy?

Many of us chase after things to bring us joy, whether it is money, success, or things I hate to be the one to tell you but those things are all temporary. I was just like many others who though that in order for me to be happy I had to have all of the trappings of this life. I grew up dreaming of having a house with a white picket fence, a great career, 2 kids, a dog, and a perfect husband. I actually did obtain pretty much all of this at one point or another in my life but I realized that not the house, the job, my kids, nor my “perfect husband” really made me happy. In my pursuit of happiness I had lost a sense of who I was, I was mom, wife, mentor, friend, and worker but I didn’t know who I was outside of what I did for others. It took a major loss for me to realize that something was missing.

I had someone ask me to describe myself and tell them what I liked and I could only describe myself as a mother and wife and I had no clue what I liked. I realized that it was time for me to take inventory and figure out what had happened to ME. I admit that I did get pleasure out of knowing I was needed by others and that I was a person that people knew they could count on, but I realize that in my doing for others I had forgotten to do for ME. I had lost my desire to dream, I had lost my desire to do the things that once brought me joy. I realized that I had been so busy loving and taking care of everyone else that I had stopped loving and taking care of ME. I had been living in a culture where you were told that it was wrong for you to be ME focused and that you should be more concerned about giving to others. Now I think that you should give to others and help out when you can, BUT if you do not take the time for yourself, if you don’t take care of you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you will be no good to anyone.

I choose to take my life back. I choose to prioritize my life according to my values and my beliefs and not be concerned with what everyone else thought. My number one value is my family and I realized that I had allowed the needs of others outside of my family to occupy the majority of my mental and emotional space and time. My first step was to get rid of the “junk” in my life and this included my reevaluating relationships and any things that were time wasters. The second thing was learning to walk in who I was, not who others wanted me to be, but to truly embrace my own uniqueness and walk with confidence in who I am. I rediscovered my interest and began to pursue those things. Once I got free from my need to please others and I learned and accepted that it was okay for me to say “NO” I truly began to live life.

Today it is the simple things that give me joy like watching, and I mean literally sitting and watching my grandchildren play. Spending time and making memories with my family is my #1 priority. My husband (the 3^rd time was the charm for me) and I are best friends and I love to just hang out with him at our favorite coffee shop and write or hanging out at the park and talking about our dreams for the future. Chatting with my best friends and sharing stories about our grandkids and the good old days. I am actively discovering everyday who I want to be when “I grow up”. I am evolving every day and enjoying this journey of life truly for the first time. I don’t need the big house, the fancy cars, or even tons of money to make me happy. My joy comes from within and having a true sense of who I am today.

The Cost Of Freedom

On this Memorial Day weekend I want to pay tribute to all the men and women who have and are currently serving in the military. Whether you are in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, or Coast Guard your service to our nation is invaluable and you should be honored every day for your sacrifice.  As veterans, both Glenn who served in the Army and I who served in the Marine Corps, can empathize with my fellow service men and women and the unseen cost they have paid in order to serve.  People often take for granted the many freedoms that we are afforded as Americans but they have not come without a price.  In other countries the freedom to practice your choice of a religion or to have free speech is not the right of every citizen.  The fact that we live in a country whose government operates by a democracy is often taken for granted.  Men and women have died on the battle field to preserve our rights and freedoms.

Everyday  members of the military serve at the expense of their families, often times soldiers, marines, airmen, and sailors are called to duty away from home. Military personnel may have to leave their loved ones for months or years at a time and they do this without any reservation.  Their call to duty often causes them to put their families on the back burner.  Today I want to take the time to also salute the families of our service members, the wives, husbands, children, and parents who are left behind.  They too have had to sacrifice.

The role of the military is one of the most important entities of our government and they deserve to be treated as such. If you know a service member or a veteran express you gratitude to this weekend.  If you know of a military family whose service member is away serving do something nice for them, whether it is taking them flowers, cooking a meal, or mowing their lawn show them that you appreciate their sacrifice as well.